The 8th Cirlce of Dante's Hell

Next week is the eighth week of the semester, midterm if you prefer. Undoubtedly, college students nationwide will be doing their part to keep Starbucks’ profits up. Those who prefer a cold, carbonated beverage will be keeping the Red Bull vendors busy as well. Midterm exams, presentations and papers are common this time of year: thanks to the evil professors that scheme to have them on the same days. Unbeknownst to those professors, there is a special circle of Hell reserved for them.
Literature professors like Dr. Joan Baker at FIU will teach that there were only seven circles to Dante’s Hell. But your friend, The Invisible Student, just happens to have a copy of the original text and there is an eighth, secret circle that is reserved for college professors that schedule their exams on the same day as their colleagues. Below the lustful and the gluttonous, the murderers and the suicides, the blasphemers, sodomites, hypocrites, thieves and traitors, are the devious educators.
At first glance, the eighth circle resembles a classroom. There are desks for the students and a podium for the professor. Spanning the wall behind the podium there is a white dry erase board. Above the dry erase board there is one of those generic, round Seth Thomas clocks with the white face and plain black numbers that match the plain black minute and second hands. The carpet is a boring, faded blue and is flat and lifeless after countless semesters of being trampled on by class after class of uncaring students wearing their cruel Nikes, Vans and Chuck Taylors.
In this classroom though, the students are always tardy, every one of them. Professors are helpless against the tardiness, too. Hell prohibits attendance policies. Once the students are all present and accounted for and the professors start to lecture, the students begin to open their sodas and snacks. Their sodas are all in cans and make that disruptive pfffffffffffk noise as the students crack them open and slurp down the foam that bubbles out of the top. Once they’ve wet their whistles, the students begin tearing open their loud plastic bags of Cheetos, Doritos, and Funyuns, which crunch loudly as they are shoveled by the handful into the students mouths.
Once snack time is over and the professor believes that he or she finally has the undivided attention of the students, they begin the lecture anew. After only a few minutes the professor can see the heads of the students begin to nod. As the students fight the weight of their eyelids and their chins fall closer to their chests, their heads spring back to attention, only to start nodding once again. Nap time only lasts a few minutes though and soon the students are at full attention. Only their attention isn’t directed towards the professor. No, after their brief naps, the students open their laptops and begin typing away, much to the professor’s chagrin.
As much as the students try to pretend that they are taking notes, and as much as the professor would like to believe that taking notes is what the pupils are doing, the educator knows better. This isn’t his or her first day in Hell, although today is exactly like the first day in Hell, as well as every day leading up to today. These students are undoubtedly surfing the web, checking their email or Facebook accounts, or checking the most recent posts on some message boards about hockey fights or college football recruiting.
Making matters worse, none of the students ever put their cell phones on vibrate. Slowly but surely each student’s phone rings. A few of them have polite, synthesized ringtones but most blare hip-hop, techno or heavy metal song snippets. In Hell there is no voicemail either. The calls don’t get redirected after only a couple of rings. The phones continue to ring until the students answer and then proceed to rudely conduct their conversations aloud.
Finally, the students seem to settle for a moment and the professor looks at the cookie cutter clock on the wall and sees that they still have ten minutes to get their point across to the students: ten minutes until this hellacious day is over. A moment of relief befalls the weary professor. That is when the students begin to pack up their stuff. They stuff their laptops back into their backpacks, crumple up their soda cans and snack wrappers and, in their best Kareem Abdul-Jabbar impersonation, skyhook them in the direction of the trash can. They all miss though, leaving a small pile of aluminum and cellophane encircling the trash can.
With one cheek still on the seat, the students impatiently await their release. They, like Dante, get to leave Hell. They get to go to this weekend’s football game, to college night at the local pub, to the Drink or Drown party at the Pike house on Friday night. The professor gets to stay here. In a matter of moments the bell will ring and release these students back into the world while at the same time signaling the start of the next class. Because much like the students who must suffer during midterms by going from one class to the next only to have the same fate awaiting them, professors who pile it on those students must spend eternity with the class from Hell.
Think about it.

Books? We Don't Need No Stinking Books!

This is my third semester at FIU and my first taking all upper division classes. One thing I have noticed is that those overpriced books we are often forced to buy are frequently unnecessary. In my three semesters here I have taken 10 classes total. Of those 10 classes, two were foreign language (Español uno y dos), two were writing, two are/were history, I’m doing one independent study and the remaining three are/were literature classes.
Now obviously you can’t really have a literature class without books. That would be like playing baseball without the bases (I was going to say without balls but then you would be playing softball—yuk yuk). Same goes for foreign language although you might learn just as much watching Univision. In writing classes books are kind of optional. Yes, you should have a good dictionary and thesaurus, as well as a style manual, but they don’t really count as texts. Some writing professors may want you to read different authors and styles, depending on what kind of writing you will be doing, but a good instructor doesn’t need such crutches.
That brings me to history. Can history be taught without books? I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t think so. But if you answered yes, you would be correct. Last spring I took a class in modern American history and the professor taught the entire class by supplementing his lectures with some internet links to relevant articles and materials. In his syllabus he even stated that he saw no need in asking students to pay ridiculous amounts of money for books when the information can be found with a simple Google search.
This semester I am taking a class on ancient Rome and, although there were two books required for the class as well as one recommended, the professor’s test questions are taken strictly from lectures. We had our first test of the semester last Thursday and there wasn’t a single question on it that I couldn’t find the answer to in my class notes. That is disheartening to think about seeing that this class is one of the few in my educational experience in which I have made it a point to stay current on the assigned reading. Granted, his lectures seem to come directly out of one of the books so doing the reading is very helpful since I take awful notes. But for someone who takes good notes, the books in this class would be entirely unnecessary.
In case anyone is wondering, I got a high B on the test. I’m pretty happy about that taking into account that it was the first test and I really didn’t know what to expect. When another student in the class asked the professor what format his tests were, his reply was, “You’ll find out Thursday.”
I guess my point is that, with a quality professor and the availability of adequate resources, books are unnecessary as an educational tool, depending on the topic of course. Coming into this semester my GPA is 3.955 thanks to an A- in a literature class. Only three of the six courses I have completed thus far have required textbooks. The others have had excellent teachers.

Where's the School Pride, People?

I was in class yesterday discussing the gym closure with a couple of classmates when I told them how happy I was that I checked my mail the day before and got the notice that the gym would be closed until Thursday, thanks to Hurricane Ike and the evacuees from Key West.  You see, in order to make it to the gym early enough to get a spot in the morning spin class, which fills up quickly, I get up at 4:30, leave the house by 5:30 and arrive on campus around 6:30.  So getting up that early yesterday only to find the gym closed and class cancelled would have been a crappy way to start my day.   When I made this proclamation you should have seen the heads turn in the class. 

“Why do you have to leave so early?” Everyone asked.

“Because I live in Boynton.”  

Even more heads turned at this.  No one could believe that I make the trek, twice a week, from Boynton to Miami to take classes at FIU.  And then it happened.  They asked me the same question that people have been asking me ever since I started school last January: the same question I get each time I tell someone that I commute 68 miles, one-way, from Boynton Beach.

“Why don’t you just go to FAU?”  

Why does everyone ask me that?  Shouldn’t I be proud to go to FIU?  Where’s the school pride, people?

I’ll explain it like this.  I grew up in Boynton Beach, went to two and a half years of high school in Lantana and finished my high school education in Delaware before moving back to Boynton Beach.  While I was going to high school down here, anyone and everyone who was going to college after high school was going to FAU, providing they didn’t get into UF or FSU.  So I always kind of saw FAU as more of a safety net than as a first choice kind of college.  It was a fallback school.  FAU in Palm Beach County is probably a lot like FIU in Miami-Dade, the school that local kids go to when they can’t go somewhere else.  I guess that when I started looking at schools a couple of years back, that thought was still there: I didn’t even apply to FAU.

A few things drew me to FIU, the first being that they were building that beautiful new facility for the Marine Biology program.  Remember, before I realized that science and math just weren‘t for me, I wanted to be Jacques Cousteau.  The new football stadium was also a big draw for me.  As a huge college football fan, being here for the early stages of what has the potential to grow into a great program meant something.  I started following FIU last year during that dismal season and will continue to support them, no matter how frustrating it may be, from now on.  

Lastly, this is my first experience at a four year school.  I didn’t do well enough in high school to get into a four year school directly and had to take the community college route.  Eventually, bad choices and the bills that resulted from them would cause me to put that on hold.  So this experience at FIU is my first true college experience and I would like to try and make it as much like the experience I missed in my early 20s as possible, only without the parties and club hopping.  I’ve been to the FAU campus and, in all honesty, it doesn’t have that college campus feel.  It feels like a commuter college campus.  If I wanted the commuter college experience I would have just gone to University of Phoenix, where the credits are unlikely to transfer to a four year school, making grad school a long shot. 

University Park has that college atmosphere that I was looking for.  Sure, the Greeks never ask me to rush their frat or give me one of their little flyers as I walk down the hall of the Graham Center, and my classmates call me sir, but  I don’t feel like such the outcast.  The insecurities that plagued me during my first semester are gone now.

I like FIU just fine, thank you very much.  That’s why I don’t go to FAU.   

I had an all-time high seven votes in last weeks poll.  Thank you to those of you who participated.  This week's poll will relate to this blog entry somehow, vote away!

There's One in Every Class

You know how every semester, no matter the class, you always get those same kinds of people in class?  If it isn't the student that can't be on time to class to save their life, it's the person that constantly forgets to put their phone on vibrate.  One of personal favorites is the guy who not only comes in late, but comes in late carrying a bag from Subway or Burger King.  Not only is he going to disrupt the class by entering late, but he also plans on continuing his annoying existence in class by making everyone listen to his paper bag or sandwich wrapper rustle as he eats.  You're already late jackass, just stay in the food court and eat. 

But as annoying as the late enterer/eater and the phone ringer guys may be, there is no one worse than the know-it-all.  You know the one.  He just can't wait to raise his hand or talk over anyone who dares debate him.  He or she may even argue with the professor on occasion.

I've got one of those in my Poetry class right now.  This guy never shuts up.  I don't mind people that like to speak up in class since it alleviates pressure from me to do so.  I'm not exactly forthcoming with my theories on what some 16th century English poet is trying to say in the form of a Petrarchian sonnet.     

My main beef is that this is material that is open to all kinds of different interpretation yet this guy argues his theories as if he was the one dipping the poet's quill in ink for him as he wrote (what do I mean by dipping his quill in ink?).  He raises his voice to squash any potential differing interpretation like a child who covers his ears in order to block out mommy telling him to eat his veggies.  I can't count how many times in the four meetings we've had this semester that the professor himself has said that there are no wrong answers, yet this guy remains vigilant.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from the know-it-all is the guy who asks the professor to repeat every word he or she says.  You guessed it, I've got one of them in a class, too.  This guy raises his hand every time the prof stops to take a breath.  I understand that the professors in upper division classes seem to lecture twice as fast as they do in the lower division.  It is for that reason that I went to the bookstore and bought one of those mini cassette recorders this week.  Is there a way in which I could subtlety suggest that this boner do that?

I'm going to put up a poll this week asking who you, my very few loyal readers, find the most annoying.  If you think I've left an annoying person out, feel free to share.

On a sports note, my request for a little love for the volleyball team did not go unheard as ESPN posted a nice article on the Lady Panthers at ESPNU.com.  

Here is the link to the article: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncaa/news/story?id=3567688

Back to School

So my two week school break is done.  Tomorrow it is back to the grind.  I feel as if I've gained 10 lbs in those two weeks since I haven't been to a spin class or to the gym. 

I am excited for my first fall semester at college.  Sure, I was excited for spring too but fall is when most of the excitement is.  Fall is when the majority of the new students are coming in.  It is also a return from summer break, which is the longest break.  Winter break is only a couple of weeks and doesn't create the sense of truly being away the way that summer break does.  Most importantly, fall means football.  Not just any football either, college football.

Now is the time to break out the portable grills, face paint and rally towels.  I couldn't care less that my beloved Golden Panthers--there is a rumor going around that they will be dropping the Golden--are 1-23 over the past two seasons and not expected to be much better this season.  Personally, after seeing the strides they've made between the spring football game and this summer's scrimmages, I'm rather optimistic about this season.  I plan on tailgating my happy little rear end off this year.  All of our home games are 7 p.m. games, which leaves plenty of time for tailgating, grilling, drinking, tossing around the old pigskin and whatever else comes to mind.

As far as school goes, I've coordinated a perfect Tuesday-Thursday schedule.  My first class starts at 9:30 and the last one ends at 3:15.  That allows me to attend a 7:30 spin class at the gym with plenty of time to shower and stop at the campus Starbucks on my way to my first class.  It also means that I can beat traffic on the turnpike and be home by five o'clock on school days to help Tina with dinner.  On top of all that, only having to drive to campus two days a week saves a ton on gas and allows me three whole week days to devote to studying.

Top priority right now is this weekend because I am Atlanta bound.  For the last two years my friend Mike and I have been going to Tuscaloosa, Alabama for the Crimson Tide's season opener.  You see, the first weekend of college football always falls on or around Mike's birthday.  His wife, Amanda, or his mother usually get him tickets to the opening game and we make the road trip.  Lat year we were joined by Mike's brother as well as their childhood friend Ron.  

This year, the game is being played in Atlanta as some kind of SEC vs. ACC challenge and the Tide are playing Clemson.  Ron will be joining us again.  I can't wait.  I am leaving Thursday following school, spending Thursday night in Jacksonville, driving up to Atlanta on Friday, going to the game on Saturday and flying home on Sunday.  Should be tons of fun.  I'll try to take tons of pictures to post.  

The Accuracy of ratemyprofessors.com

I find http://www.ratemyprofessors.com to be an extremely helpful tool. I've checked out every professor that I've taken so far and they've all turned out exactly like the comments on http://www.ratemyprofessors.com have said. I find that, for the most part, the comments and ratings are either very good or very bad. Positive ratings usually make up 75% or higher of the comments and the negative are usually the same. On occasion you will find the same professor rated by one student as "the best professor ever" and "too hard and totally unfair" by another. In those cases I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to the professor.

Here is a good example. I won't name the professor but his entire profile is as schizophrenic as these two reviews:

WORST PROFESSOR AT FIU! please do not take this class. Attendence is mandatory (everytime you miss class he drops your grade a letter grade), his lectures are pointless and completely rediculous and he is extremely unclear on directions. Unless you absolutly LOVE to write and waste your time on a daily basis, don't take his class.

and...

Definitely one of the best professors here at FIU! He knows his stuff and is passionate about writing. He cares about his students and is available in and out of class to help you with your writing. It's true, there's a lot of work involved but very rewarding experience. A word of advice: don't procrastinate!

(notice that the bad review of a writing class came from someone who can't spell ridiculous, absolutely or attendance and thinks that every time is a compound word)

Does anyone have any horror stories about professors they were expecting to be nice or easy thanks to ratemyprofessors but turned out horrible?

You're probably asking yourselves why, right?

I started at Florida International University in the spring of 2008 as a Marine Biology major.  That lasted less than a week once I realized that I hate science classes.  I changed my major to English Education and now, thanks to the budget cuts, it's English, just English.

My wife, Tina, and I decided about two years ago that it would be best if we just bit the bullet, I quit working, we move in with my parents--awkward, I know--in order to save expenses, and I went to school full-time so that I could finish and we could move on with our lives.  So in that two years we got our affairs in order, so to speak, and I finished the AA degree that I had been toiling on, part-time, for years.  Finishing even an Associates degree is difficult when you're taking one class per semester, hence the decision to drop everything and finish school.  At the rate I was going it was more likely that I would receive an AARP card before I earned a Bachelor's degree.

I'll save the awkward tales of being 36 years old, married and living with your parents for another day.  Right now I want to talk about being a full-time college student for the first time.  I also want to try and avoid lecturing anyone, giving you the "see what happens if you don't stay focused" or "don't make the same mistakes I made" speeches.  Personally, I think the best way to learn is to make mistakes and I'm glad my parents, my mother in particular, allowed me to find that out.  Would I like to be further along in life than I currently am?  Absolutely.  Do I think my wife deserves better than living with her in-laws while her late bloomer husband gets his shit together?  Without a doubt.  Do I realize that there are some of you reading this thinking, "What a LOSER!" Yes.  And believe me, I think the same thing about myself almost daily.  It's a blow to the ego every time I have to tell someone I meet on campus that I live with my parents.  But it is what it is.

Did I mention that I live in Boynton Beach and have a 136 mile round trip commute two or three days a week?

So why this blog?

Well, I realized after a few weeks on campus that I really am an invisible student.  Age wise, I fall in between the typical post high school student and the late in life, tired of my career and want to find something new while I still have time student.  It seems that the few students that I have encountered that are my age are working on a second or third degree, not their first. 

So why do I say invisible?  Well, I get ignored when walking down the GC halls.  When the Greeks are recruiting for rush I don't really expect anyone to hand me one of those little cards asking me to rush Pike or Sig Ep so I don't take offense when they don't.  This isn't the movies and I'm not Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell or Luke Wilson.  If someone does invite me to a party on frat row its like Christmas time to me (it happened once last spring, almost certainly by mistake)  I'm too old to be a frat guy, I know that.

But when student elections were going on at the end of spring, not one of those SGA hopefuls handed me one of their cards, buttons or t-shirts.  No one wanted my vote.  Is their some age cap unbeknownst to me?  Can the 30+ students not vote?  Well, I vote for Paige (sp?) and Adam, that much I remember.  

I went to the spring football game, too.  Over and over I was solicited for season tickets and when I told the solicitors that I was a student they looked at me as if I was joking.  To top that off, most of them called me sir.  SIR!  I'm 36 years old for Christ's sake, I'm not a sir.  Speaking of the spring football game, I will be getting to the obvious lack of support for our athletic programs by the student body in another post.  You guys do realize that you get to watch Division I college sports for FREE don't you?  My wife graduated from Florida and believe me, the students up there would kill for the opportunity to see the Gators for free.  Most of them have to pin their football ticket hopes on a lottery system.  We've got it made at FIU.

Well, this post was supposed to be a short introduction and I've rambled on.  I don't know how much I'll blog until fall semester starts.  After all, I won't start publicizing this blog on campus until then.  Right now no one even knows this blog exists.  

If anyone does stumble across this, please leave me comments.

Later,

ELI3